So I’m watching the Phillies – Dodgers game the other night over a big-ass bowl of pasta. Manny hit .533 in the series (pretty good, but certainly no Mark Grace and his .647 in the 1989 NLCS), but other than that, the Dodgers pretty much stunk up the place. Anyway, this isn’t about the Dodgers. No friends, I got no quarrel with the L.A. Dodgers. My real problem lies with my new least favorite collection of humans, the Philadelphia Phillies.
I realize most people don’t really care either way about the Phillies. I never did, and I was a huge baseball fan growing up. But here’s the thing: As soon as they got to around the 7th inning of that Dodgers game, the announcers on Fox started going crazy about how, with a win, the Phillies would return to the World Series for the first time since 1993. How they’d ended years of futility and frustration. How the fans have had their hearts broken so much since 1993. Oh man! 1993, huh? Boy, that’s tough. All those years of struggling. Well here’s the thing, Philadelphia Phillies: I’m a Cubs fan, and you can all go screw yourselves.
If you don’t follow baseball, a brief summary: The Cubs never win. Ever. They haven’t won a World Series since 1908. They haven’t even been to one since 1945. And for some reason, I’m supposed to be happy for those poor Phillies and their devastating World Series drought.
Anyway, after the announcers took turns pissing me off, they had the nerve to interview shortstop Jimmy Rollins and ask him about his struggle to finally make it to the big game. He got to the majors in 2000, won the 2007 MVP (Matt Holliday got robbed, by the way) and look at him now, in the World Series. Hell of a struggle. Let’s look at some Cubs legends: Ron Santo played for 14 years. Ryne Sandberg played for 16 years(and if you dare mention that he played his first 13 games with the Phillies, I’ll kick your teeth in, swear to God). Ernie Banks (11-time All-Star, 2-time MVP) played for 18 years and never even got to the playoffs! So I’m sorry if I don’t have much pity for poor Jimmy and his struggle.
And how does this team even dare complain about futility? The Phillies have won four NL pennants since they won the World Series in 1980! They’re complaining about that? Four pennants in 28 years? That’s not bad at all. It’s not super-common, but it’s not rare. It’s cicada common. Cubs fans like myself would kill for cicada common. I’m not joking. Tell me who I’d have to kill. I won’t think twice.
And let’s get back to this for a second: they won the World Series in 1980! Many of us were alive then. I’m pretty sure you weren’t around when the Cubs last won one. You know how many people alive today were alive back in 1908? Like six. And they probably didn’t care about the Cubs winning the World Series. They were probably busy worrying about things like Indian attacks and dysentery.
Like baseball itself, I’m sure this is very boring to most of you, so I’ll wrap it up: Philadelphia Phillies (by the way, that’s a really dumb name), I hope you lose to the Tampa Bay Rays, and I hope you lose badly. I hope you get swept by a combined score of 148-3.
Hmm… it turns out the Phillies just won the first game of the Series. Well that’s even better; getting swept wouldn’t be heartbreaking enough. I hope it goes seven games. And with two outs and a three run lead in the bottom of the 14th, a recently signed Joe Carter strolls up to the plate and sends a hanging curveball into the upper decks for a grand slam. And I hope you spend the next 60 years waiting to go back to the World Series. Then (when I’m 88 and the Cubs have won 23 more championships) you may come crying to me. But not a moment sooner, and certainly not this year.
Once again, go screw yourselves.
Sincerely,
Chris Rosenthall, Surly Cubs Fan.
8 comments:
5 minute LOL. F'real.
Good start. One weird point. I was born in 1977 and to this day I start my day worried about Indian attacks (although not the Native American variety, so I guess it's not apples to apples.)
As much as I'd like to always root for an underdog or whatever - a team used to losing...they beat the red sox, and therefore, I can not root for the rays
My dad (police chief in tampa) txts me the other day "if the rays win will you still love me?"
all I said was, "no"
Between Bill Buckner and Aaron Boone, Red Sox fans paid some serious dues. Unless you start saying things like "Yes! Our two-year drought is over!" you guys are okay with me.
the rays suck. jamey took a cold hard fist in the jaw during game 4 of the red sox/ rays series. more on that in my next blog! As for you my friend, congratulations, i am proud to be hyperlinked to your wordy wordiness. thank you.
hahaha, need a tissue?
The Cubs will continue to be the MLB's perpetual last kid picked in gym class and the Phils are one win away from the promised land.
Also if you seriously think Matt Holliday got robbed, you didn't watch enough Rockies OR Phillies games last year. Rollins contributed way more defensively than Holliday ever could.
Just to clarify: This time next week, I won't care about either team, regardless of the outcome. But the whole "finally" angle (which may just be from the media, but I'd doubt it) is a bit too much. Let's act like we've been there before. Because we have.
The Holliday/Rollins thing? I may revisit that soon. However, I am now going to eat a pizza.
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