Official Stunner Rankings

#5: Poisonous Blowdart
#4: Buster Douglas beats Mike Tyson
#3: E-40's Sunglasses
#2: Stone Cold Steve Austin
#1: The Big Tymers



New writing coming soon. Thank you.

My Rap Resolutions for 2009

Like many others, I enjoy making a few resolutions at the beginning of a new year. And seeing as I have tremendously little to improve upon, I usually take it upon myself to make resolutions for others: analyzing what’s wrong with them and using equal parts passivity and aggression to change them for the better. After doing this for a few years, I’ve decided to turn this year’s focus to something else: rap music. With that in mind, here are my three rap resolutions for 2009.

If at all possible, I would like to live this year with just a little less T-Pain. For the past 16 months or so, T-Pain has been featured in approximately 128% of all hip-hop songs. Wherever you go, T-Pain is there. On my drive to work, I heard Jamie Foxx (feat. T-Pain), Flo Rida (feat. T-Pain), and Ludacris (feat.T-Pain). For lunch, I had a cold cut sub (featuring T-Pain). Here’s an idea, next time we’re at the club, let’s play a drinking game: Every time a T-Pain song comes on, I take a shot and punch you in the face. Anyway, before I continue, I suppose I should clarify: my T-Pain problem doesn’t stem from his ubiquitousness. I really just hate him for popularizing auto-tune, the robotic voice thingy that must be costing poor Akon a ton of work.

Okay, you're a robot. We get it. Now stop it. And take off that silly-ass hat.

Suddenly everybody has gotten their hands on this thing. Chris Brown’s using it, Snoop used it, Kanye West used it to death on his new album, and Lil’ Wayne used it in more than 20 songs (not kidding) last year. Basic mathematics should indicate that Wayne’s voice, when hooked up to that thingy, should actually sound just like Phil Hartman’s, but it doesn’t work out that way. It’s actually just what your modem would sound like if it had a record deal and a codeine addiction.

And while we’re making some resolutions for 2009, I could certainly do without DJ Khalid yelling at me all the time. I know, I know: you the best. Whatever you say, just please lower your tone. And please start using verbs and contractions in your sentences. But mainly, please lower your tone. And while I’m on the subject, why do so many hip-hop DJs insist on constantly shouting? I don’t care who’s going to be in the building, I’m not going to club Zanzibar this Thursday night if you keep screaming.

Now seems like a good place to display this song I saw on BET’s “106 & Park” for the first time while I was typing this.

Seriously folks, stop it.

And speaking of DJs, they’re involved in my third rap resolution: In 2009, let’s cancel re-starting songs on the radio. Few things bother me more than hearing a DJ start the same song over and over again. Maybe this is more enjoyable in person, when the guy is actually scratching and mixing between two records. On radio, however, it’s just profoundly obnoxious. When I’m driving down the road, steering with my knees so I can devote all of my energy to singing and doing the wop, I need my song to keep going. Once we acknowledge that the remy is in the system, we need to begin exploring the possible repercussions. I don’t need to hear that it’s in the system over and over again. How on Earth did this ever become acceptable? When I become president, I’m immediately putting three rules into action:

1) The left lane (on all roads with 2+ lanes in one direction) has a speed limit 15mph higher than the other lanes.

2) No more than three toppings on a six-inch sub at Subway.

3) Starting “Hypnotize” over and over again is punishable by death.

Three little changes, folks. This doesn’t seem too difficult, does it? If we can make these, any of these, happen in 2009, I guarantee the world will be a better place. Just promise me you’ll try.

The six things I will ask Flobots if I run into them at Whole Foods

How, exactly, does one ride a bike with no handlebars?

How do you steer?

What's at the front of the bike where the handlebars usually go?

Why on earth, if given an option, would one purchase a bike without handlebars, when there are perfectly good ones with handlebars available?

Did you buy a regular bike and remove the handlebars?

Wait, is it a unicycle?

New writing coming this weekend. Thank you.