What Cinco de Mayo means to me

I'm sorry, I just don't get Cinco de Mayo. I never have. People ask me what I'm doing for it, and my answer is the same as it would be on any other day.

For some reason or another, I never got on the Cinco de Mayo bandwagon; it just felt like a dumb holiday. But I didn't want to dismiss any of my Mexican
fans out there, so I decided to throw my full enthusiasm into Cinco de Mayo, 2006.

First on the list, I decided to do some homework about the holiday. Of course, everybody knows it's the Mexican independence day, but what they may not know is they're completely wrong.
Mexican independence day is Sept. 16th. THIS particular holiday celebrates one time when the Mexican army beat the French army in a battle. Don't I mean a war? Oh no, just a battle.
They'd been losing all along,  but the Mexicans won on 5/5/1862. And only on 5/5. Of course the French came back on 5/6 and beat the hell out of them. Hey, what a great holiday.
Let me give an updated NBA analogy: the Milwaukee Bucks squeaked out one win on the Pistons before losing the next games, and eventually the series, by an average of 20 points.
I can't say the Bucks won't throw a party to celebrate their one win, but it's pretty sad if they do. Okay, so history says this is a dumb holiday. No matter, I'm moving on.

Suddenly it hit me: I know what this holiday needs, a good carol! Nobody sings Cinco de Mayo carols, and it's a damn shame.
So I decided to write one. All I got was "Something something maracas, something B.A. Barracus", and I left to buy some M&Ms. I'm ashamed of my lack of resolve; Mexico was counting on me.

At this point I had to come clean: I just didn't care. But why? Oh yeah, because it's a Mexican holiday and I'm not a Mexican. I've never been a Mexican. I don't even know any Mexicans.
I know a Peruvian, I had some Puerto Rican friends at college, I met some nice Salvadorians during my stint in MS-13, but I don't know a single Mexican.
If I did, maybe they'd get me in the spirit. But I don't, and I'm not.

I suspect a lot of us don't know any Mexicans, but we still love Cinco de Mayo. If I learned anything at all today (which I didn't), it's that Americans don't need justification to celebrate your silly foreign holiday.
Whether it's St. Patrick's Day or Cinco de Mayo, all we really need is alcohol. That's what it is. Holidays are like college keg parties, and foreign ones are the shady kids nobody invited.
We're not too sure about you, but if you're here to get us nice and drunk, I guess you can come in too.

So it's 9:15pm and I'm going out to celebrate after all. Don't get me wrong, it's still a dumb holiday, I just happen to have a serious drinking problem.