How I Spent My Summer Vacation

A lot of you have been asking what I've been up to. It seems I haven't been around that much as of late, and I certainly apologize for it.
Fortunately I wrote in my journal every day this summer, and I figured I'd share a few entries so we're all caught up.

June 7th: I just sold my first commercial jingle. They start shooting the first music video for my "klee-nex mafia" song at the end of the week.
I can't believe they paid me $1 million to write a song that goes:
"Ever since I can remember, I've been wiping my nose,
every time it gets runny, in my hand."
As soon as I get that check, I make two promises: To spend it wisely, and never change because of it.

June 8th: I just bought a set of gold-plated platinum grills with fur around the gums and spinners in the canines.
$850,000 and worth every penny.

June 10th: Since I quit my job today, I finally got around to starting that one-man band I've been planning.
I named it "Snarl Malone" and recorded my first single, "Insane." It's already gotten 768 plays on myspace; I knew I was awesome.

June 14th: I used the rest of my money to finally build that tv studio I always wanted. My first show is called "Alexandria".
I'm going to follow a bunch of high school kids around and record their lives, just like "Laguna Beach". I think it'll be a big hit.

June 23rd: The "Saved by the Bell" exhibit finally opened at the Smithsonian, so I went down and entered the Zack Morris look-alike contest.
I finished 38th out of 14 people. I don't know what I was thinking.

July 4th: Went to the Nationals game. During the 7th inning stretch, I decided to fiddle around with some molecular research, ya know,
see what the big deal is behind this whole "bird flu" thing.
By the bottom of the 9th, I'd developed a vaccine that would be easy to produce if it ever mutates into a widespread human form.

July 20th: Gave a speech at the Center for Disease Control on my human bird flu vaccine. It turns out that my "human bird flu" is really just
"the flu", and all the scientists laughed at me. Why did they let me talk for two hours before they told me that?
Scientists are jerks. I made slides and everything. I'm so mad.

August 8th: With Snarl Malone (over 500,000 myspace views!) doing so well,
I was invited to give the commencement speech for the summer session at Lincoln Technical Institute.
I completely forgot to write a speech, so I just recited the theme song to "The Facts of Life". Worked like a charm.

August 15th: Got a call from my lawyer this morning. Apparently some band wrote a song called
"Crazy" earlier this summer that sounds just like "Insane", and now I'm getting sued.
Also, it seems that I didn't fill out any permits or waivers before filming those kids on my "Alexandria" show,
and, well, long story short, now I have to register with some people anytime I move into a new neighborhood.

August 29th: Well, looks like the summer's over. I can't believe how quickly it's flown by, but I'm ready for it to end.
I really need to relax, get my act together, and get back in touch with some of my old friends.
I'm in debt, plus I've got a criminal record and what not, but I wouldn't have done anything different. Well, I would've fed my gerbil.
Other than that, not a damn thing.

The State of the Peppers

So I'm sitting at home by myself on a Saturday, as the cool kids tend to do, when the Red Hot Chili Peppers hop on stage
as the SNL musical guest. When it comes to the Chili Peppers, I'm usually on board no matter what.
They're incredible musicians and one of the few bands with a live act that sounds better than their studio work.
Like I said, I'm usually on board. This was not one of those times.

The guys were playing "Dani California", the first single off of their new album, and something wasn't sitting right.
It's not that the song's first solo is basically just Led Zeppelin's "All of my love", and it's not that the second
seems pretty heavily inspired by "Purple Haze". Both are possible coincidences,
and quite forgivable. Suddenly the real problem hit me, and I will not ignore it any longer:

Why do the Red Hot Chili Peppers keep singing about states?

It all started innocently enough back in 1999 with Californication. What seemed like just a clever pun was a red flag in hindsight,
and the band has insisted on bludgeoning us with states ever since.
They mention five in the album's first song alone, and it just kept coming from there. "Dani California" features six states
(five of which they hadn't mentioned before), and they throw in a song with Michigan in the title a few tracks later.
I don't know if they have kids in elementary school, I don't know if they're auditioning to be the next Rockapella,
I don't know what the hell's going on. But enough is enough.

Since they've been making albums since I was three, I'm not going to tell the Red Hot Chili Peppers how to do their job.
But I will say this:

Guys, if you're reading this (and I assume you are), please stop singing about states. I get it, there's a lot of states.
Damn near 50. How about you sing about some other places you've been.
Ever been to Canada? They've got all sorts of provinces you could sing about.
Here, I'll get the ball rolling. The capital of Saskatchewan is "Regina". It rhymes with "Vagina". You're welcome.

Listen, I understand it's tough to stay fresh for decades, so I won't give you that hard a time about this.
Just admit you've been slacking, promise to try a bit harder, and we'll be just fine.
Well, while you're clearing the air, why don't you also admit Will Ferrell's your drummer.
After that, all is forgiven.


vs.

(Ever see Will Ferrell at a Chili Peppers concert? Didn't think so)

What Cinco de Mayo means to me

I'm sorry, I just don't get Cinco de Mayo. I never have. People ask me what I'm doing for it, and my answer is the same as it would be on any other day.

For some reason or another, I never got on the Cinco de Mayo bandwagon; it just felt like a dumb holiday. But I didn't want to dismiss any of my Mexican
fans out there, so I decided to throw my full enthusiasm into Cinco de Mayo, 2006.

First on the list, I decided to do some homework about the holiday. Of course, everybody knows it's the Mexican independence day, but what they may not know is they're completely wrong.
Mexican independence day is Sept. 16th. THIS particular holiday celebrates one time when the Mexican army beat the French army in a battle. Don't I mean a war? Oh no, just a battle.
They'd been losing all along,  but the Mexicans won on 5/5/1862. And only on 5/5. Of course the French came back on 5/6 and beat the hell out of them. Hey, what a great holiday.
Let me give an updated NBA analogy: the Milwaukee Bucks squeaked out one win on the Pistons before losing the next games, and eventually the series, by an average of 20 points.
I can't say the Bucks won't throw a party to celebrate their one win, but it's pretty sad if they do. Okay, so history says this is a dumb holiday. No matter, I'm moving on.

Suddenly it hit me: I know what this holiday needs, a good carol! Nobody sings Cinco de Mayo carols, and it's a damn shame.
So I decided to write one. All I got was "Something something maracas, something B.A. Barracus", and I left to buy some M&Ms. I'm ashamed of my lack of resolve; Mexico was counting on me.

At this point I had to come clean: I just didn't care. But why? Oh yeah, because it's a Mexican holiday and I'm not a Mexican. I've never been a Mexican. I don't even know any Mexicans.
I know a Peruvian, I had some Puerto Rican friends at college, I met some nice Salvadorians during my stint in MS-13, but I don't know a single Mexican.
If I did, maybe they'd get me in the spirit. But I don't, and I'm not.

I suspect a lot of us don't know any Mexicans, but we still love Cinco de Mayo. If I learned anything at all today (which I didn't), it's that Americans don't need justification to celebrate your silly foreign holiday.
Whether it's St. Patrick's Day or Cinco de Mayo, all we really need is alcohol. That's what it is. Holidays are like college keg parties, and foreign ones are the shady kids nobody invited.
We're not too sure about you, but if you're here to get us nice and drunk, I guess you can come in too.

So it's 9:15pm and I'm going out to celebrate after all. Don't get me wrong, it's still a dumb holiday, I just happen to have a serious drinking problem.