The New List

I was watching sportscenter a few nights ago when I stumbled upon a stark realization: with the Seattle Supersonics changing their name and moving to Oklahoma City this past summer, I will never fulfill my quest to spend a day that’s an exact reenactment of Ice Cube’s “Today was a Good Day”. It’s just never going to happen, and I’m going to have to live with that. But amidst the crushing disappointment, an important life lesson emerged: chase after your goals, for you never know when they’ll be taken away.

Which brings me to “The List”. As some of you may remember, a while back I wrote a list of fifty-something things to do in 2008. As you likely assumed, and rightfully so, I didn’t complete that list. But here’s the thing about that list: that was a silly-ass list. What was I thinking, planning to do 52 very random things over the course of a year? That would certainly be possible, were it not for a few things:

1. I’m not on a reality show where people pay me to go around doing dumb stuff.
2. Occasionally I have to devote my time to things like running errands, visiting friends and loved ones, and living my life.

And the biggest hindrance of all:

3. Some (read: many) of the things on the list were very very very bad ideas, or merely things I really had no desire to do. I suppose that’s an inherent risk when I ask my friends to contribute, and they send me suggestions like “get electrocuted” and “become pen pals with a prison inmate”. Thanks, guys.

So with all that in mind, I decided to make a new and improved list. This list, which will continue to grow as I see fit, is a collection of things I want to do in my life. There is but one requirement: the task must complete the sentence “Man, I always wanted to ___”. So, here’s the new list.

The New List

Wear a bear suit (or mascot costume)

Go to a club that’s broadcasting live on the radio

Skydive

Learn the piano part to “Just a Friend” and/or “Layla”

Participate in a Soul Train dance line (that I had no part in starting)

Eat a McRib

Roll a quarter through my fingers

Go on a stage during a concert and play somebody else’s drum set

Punch Malcolm-Jamal Warner in the throat

Get something comped at a casino

DJ a party

Successfully ride a halfpipe (snowboard or skateboard)

Note: One of these things was a joke. Also, next thing I write won’t be a list. I promise.

Presidential Trivia

In honor of President’s Day, I’ve decided to share a few of my favorite bits of Presidential trivia, courtesy of wikipedia.

1. 23rd president Benjamin Harrison was frightened of the newfangled electricity in the White House. He and his family were afraid to touch the switches for the electric lights, and often had White House staff do it for them.

2. 19th president Rutherford B. Hayes was a noted pianist, composing several songs popular throughout Ohio. One such song, “The Sun will Shine”, later became the theme song to TV’s “Blossom”.

3. 29th president Warren G. Harding, considered by many to be one of the worst presidents ever, was a degenerate gambler who once lost all the White House china on a hand of cards.

4. 33rd president Harry S. Truman is the only president with a one-letter middle name. His middle name was literally “S”, chosen to honor numerous relatives whose names began accordingly.

5. The phrase “you don’t buy beer, you rent it” is attributed to 2nd president John Adams.

6. John Quincy Adams, the sixth President, customarily took a nude early morning swim in the Potomac River while in office.

7. While many rap fans associate the name “Young Dro” with the Atlanta-based rapper, the moniker originally belonged to 28th president Woodrow Wilson. Both men could shoulder lean; however, only Wilson knew how to dance.

Happy Presidents Day

Official Stunner Rankings

#5: Poisonous Blowdart
#4: Buster Douglas beats Mike Tyson
#3: E-40's Sunglasses
#2: Stone Cold Steve Austin
#1: The Big Tymers



New writing coming soon. Thank you.

My Rap Resolutions for 2009

Like many others, I enjoy making a few resolutions at the beginning of a new year. And seeing as I have tremendously little to improve upon, I usually take it upon myself to make resolutions for others: analyzing what’s wrong with them and using equal parts passivity and aggression to change them for the better. After doing this for a few years, I’ve decided to turn this year’s focus to something else: rap music. With that in mind, here are my three rap resolutions for 2009.

If at all possible, I would like to live this year with just a little less T-Pain. For the past 16 months or so, T-Pain has been featured in approximately 128% of all hip-hop songs. Wherever you go, T-Pain is there. On my drive to work, I heard Jamie Foxx (feat. T-Pain), Flo Rida (feat. T-Pain), and Ludacris (feat.T-Pain). For lunch, I had a cold cut sub (featuring T-Pain). Here’s an idea, next time we’re at the club, let’s play a drinking game: Every time a T-Pain song comes on, I take a shot and punch you in the face. Anyway, before I continue, I suppose I should clarify: my T-Pain problem doesn’t stem from his ubiquitousness. I really just hate him for popularizing auto-tune, the robotic voice thingy that must be costing poor Akon a ton of work.

Okay, you're a robot. We get it. Now stop it. And take off that silly-ass hat.

Suddenly everybody has gotten their hands on this thing. Chris Brown’s using it, Snoop used it, Kanye West used it to death on his new album, and Lil’ Wayne used it in more than 20 songs (not kidding) last year. Basic mathematics should indicate that Wayne’s voice, when hooked up to that thingy, should actually sound just like Phil Hartman’s, but it doesn’t work out that way. It’s actually just what your modem would sound like if it had a record deal and a codeine addiction.

And while we’re making some resolutions for 2009, I could certainly do without DJ Khalid yelling at me all the time. I know, I know: you the best. Whatever you say, just please lower your tone. And please start using verbs and contractions in your sentences. But mainly, please lower your tone. And while I’m on the subject, why do so many hip-hop DJs insist on constantly shouting? I don’t care who’s going to be in the building, I’m not going to club Zanzibar this Thursday night if you keep screaming.

Now seems like a good place to display this song I saw on BET’s “106 & Park” for the first time while I was typing this.

Seriously folks, stop it.

And speaking of DJs, they’re involved in my third rap resolution: In 2009, let’s cancel re-starting songs on the radio. Few things bother me more than hearing a DJ start the same song over and over again. Maybe this is more enjoyable in person, when the guy is actually scratching and mixing between two records. On radio, however, it’s just profoundly obnoxious. When I’m driving down the road, steering with my knees so I can devote all of my energy to singing and doing the wop, I need my song to keep going. Once we acknowledge that the remy is in the system, we need to begin exploring the possible repercussions. I don’t need to hear that it’s in the system over and over again. How on Earth did this ever become acceptable? When I become president, I’m immediately putting three rules into action:

1) The left lane (on all roads with 2+ lanes in one direction) has a speed limit 15mph higher than the other lanes.

2) No more than three toppings on a six-inch sub at Subway.

3) Starting “Hypnotize” over and over again is punishable by death.

Three little changes, folks. This doesn’t seem too difficult, does it? If we can make these, any of these, happen in 2009, I guarantee the world will be a better place. Just promise me you’ll try.

The six things I will ask Flobots if I run into them at Whole Foods

How, exactly, does one ride a bike with no handlebars?

How do you steer?

What's at the front of the bike where the handlebars usually go?

Why on earth, if given an option, would one purchase a bike without handlebars, when there are perfectly good ones with handlebars available?

Did you buy a regular bike and remove the handlebars?

Wait, is it a unicycle?

New writing coming this weekend. Thank you.

Point-Counterpoint: Washington Redskins

Point: Hail to the Redskins!

By Chris Rosenthall, October 27, 2008

The Redskins season got off in a deserving fashion, with the induction of two of our all-time greats into the hall of fame. The next day, we stomped the Indianapolis Colts 30-16, and we’ve used that momentum to create one of the best teams in the entire league. Despite bleak preseason predictions from so-called “sports experts” across the nation, we’re 6-2, and well on our way to making a deep run into the playoffs or, dare I say, the Super Bowl.

How did we get here? Let’s take a look.

It all starts at the top, and after years of questionable moves, Dan Snyder has emerged as the savvy owner we always hoped he’d be. Instead of wasting money on some high-priced hotshot coach, he secured a little-known coach from Seattle (Jim Zorn) as his offensive coordinator. With Zorn off the market and in the Redskins stable, Snyder was able to carefully study his work ethic first-hand before determining that he would make an effective head coach.

And how right he was. The first year of Zorn’s coaching career has been nothing short of fantastic. His west coast offensive scheme and unorthodox practice drills have turned us into a high-scoring powerhouse, ready to hold our own against any team in the league. The fans love him, the players love him, and we need to keep him here as long as possible.

The man with the plan

In conclusion, our offense is clicking, our defense is impenetrable, and we’re the best fans in the NFL. Sure, we slipped against the lowly Rams, but that’ll surely just be a tiny aberration on our otherwise fantastic season. Realistically speaking, I predict a 12-4 finish, with an NFL championship by 2011. Hail to the Redskins!

Counterpoint:

The Redskins are the worst football team in the whole wide world. Ever.

By Chris Rosenthall, December 16, 2008

Man oh man, the Redskins suck. Sure, the bandwagon filled up early in the season, but let’s be serious: These guys are horrible. They’ve lost 5 of their last 6 games, and three of those losses were at home. They’re 7-7, and could easily lose their final two games. Horrible, just horrible.

How did they get here? Let’s take a look.

It all starts at the top, and Dan Snyder is clearly an idiot. Always has been, always will be. If you’re looking for proof, look no further than the hiring of Jim Zorn. Nobody wanted Zorn to be the head coach, not even the people who gave him the job. They hired him as the offensive coordinator, and then came back two weeks later and named him the head coach when they couldn’t find anybody else. That’s a pretty big red flag there, isn’t it?

Duh, I don't know nothin bout nothin!

It took Dan Snyder 32 days to hire a new coach. 32 days. For the record, it took 17 for the Catholic Church to pick their new pope. And I bet the pope knew what color his uniform was going to be. Allow me to explain: at Jim Zorn’s first press conference, he referred to the Redskins (aka “The Burgundy & Gold, of course) as “The Maroon and Black”. The Maroon and Black. Really. How do you not know the Redskins colors when you’re:

1) A former NFL quarterback

2) A former NFL quarterback’s coach

3) THE HEAD COACH OF THE EFFING REDSKINS!

If Snyder had a brain in his head, he would have walked up right then and fired him on the spot. My first job was at PetSmart, and I knew what color my outfit would be WAY before I started. And let’s think about that for a second, shall we? Zorn was working as the offensive coordinator for two weeks, and still didn’t know what his team colors were? What was he doing all that time? Certainly nothing football related, I can tell you that. If you gave me seven business days and $2,500 cash, I could get you a monkey that plays Tecmo Bowl, and subsequently, a better football coach than Jim Zorn.

Artist's rendering - not actual monkey

He calls the same three plays, mismanages his roster, and is publicly teased by his players. We need to fire this jerk immediately.

In conclusion, their offense has stalled, their defense has fallen apart, and a lot of you Redskins fans are the crappiest bunch of fans around.

Man, the Redskins are the worst football team in the whole wide world. Ever.

Just 33 shopping days!

I was walking through my local CVS yesterday when I realized that the holiday season, for better or worse, has officially begun. The aisles were adorned with all sorts of Christmas products, from stockings to nutcrackers to those Chocolate oranges they only seem to sell two months out of the year. I was looking at Charlie Brown Christmas figurines when I ran across this little item:



His name is "Chrismouse", he's part of a holiday line called "Rappin Rodentz", and when you squeeze his hand, he raps "Crank Dat". Happy Birthday, Jesus.